How to impress without even trying
Caveman
Despite the notion that scientists are some sort of breed of quiet,
introspective sociopath forever lost in their own little world of ideas,
hypotheses and experiemnts, many scientists crave attention and adulation.
This craving is often on display in the way that they present their work at
seminars, the wording of their papers and their `presence' at meetings. So,
for those who crave this attention, here are a few tips on how to impress
people. Of course, I have never road-tested any of them; so if you try them do
so at your own risk.
- Show mathematical equations during your seminars (crystal structures used
to fall into this category, but now everyone has one, and so they no longer
impress). Chemical pathways and synthesis, and old-fashioned genetics (complex
crosses) also work.
- Discuss anything to do with the brain. This can be purely descriptive (e.g.
neuroanatomy - GFP-tagged proteins expressed in specific pathways to show how
different regions of the brain are linked together), function (e.g. functional
magnetic resonance imaging, recordings of neural activity and use of Morris
water mazes) or higher brain activity (e.g. cognition, senses and emotions).
Do not worry about mechanism, hard data (any data!) or an explanation of the
rationale. It is to do with the brain, stupid - if any one asks, roll your
eyes and look upon them with pity that they are not smart enough to work in
the field.
- Show (descriptive) movies of the anatomy of multicellular organisms (e.g.
formation of blood vessels in zebrafish and neuronal pathfinding in the worm).
It is no longer good enough to show this for tissue culture cells (again,
everyone has those).
- Speak in whole sentences with punctuation when giving a seminar. Be
eloquent. Use big words. Never read from prepared notes. Recall quotations
from books no one has heard of. Present the minimum of data, and let your
words flow over and around them for explanation. Never `um' or `er' and
thereby reveal that you are grasping for words from your patently limited
vocabulary.
- Present a genome-wide analysis of anything. It really doesn't matter that a
third of the genome is affected when you heat-shock yeast, that you are
analyzing the whole genome of an organism is still very impressive. However,
you need to work this into your talk soon, because like crystallographic
structures, these types of data will soon be being shown by everyone.
- Here's a dinner tip. You are at a restaurant with a group of other
scientists whom you are trying to impress (it could be a meeting or a job
interview). You go to the bathroom and find a famous scientist in the midst of
ablutions. Respectfully and deferentially, ask them for a favor: when they
re-enter the restaurant could they hail you from afar, come over and gush over
you and your general scientific worth? Tell them how important this will be
for your career and that it will also be amusing to do this in front of the
others at your table (i.e. your little secret). Some pleading may be required
- if necessary, tell them they will be helping a young scientist. You return
to the table and resume your discussions (this is the time to be earnest and
focused). The famous scientist returns to the dining area, and you hear your
name shouted from across the room. Your colleagues at the table look up and
recognize the famous scientist, and then look at you with renewed interest.
The famous scientist slowly works their way around the other tables, reaches
your table and extends a hand towards you in greeting. You look up angrily.
With a dismissive wave of your arm, you say, "What do you want [UNK]
(insert surname of famous scientist)! Stop bothering me! Can't you
see I'm busy!"
- Show knowledge of really old experiments, papers and scientists. Frankly,
the older the better. It is really helpful if the work or scientist is famous.
But it is important to make sure that you place their work in the
context of yours, and not vice versa.
- Get quoted in newspapers, scientific magazines (Nature, Science)
and your local, institutional rag. "When we contacted one of the leading
scientists in this important area for their comment on this discovery, Snotely
responded, "Of course, this is important progress (show your
appreciation of the field from your leadership position) based on the
advances made by us (recall and distinguish your `advances' from their
`progress'), but I think that we now need to head in the direction
of..." (again, show that you are thinking as a leader and inferring
not only the direction to take but that you have, in all
likelihood, already taken it)." Make sure that you have a really
good picture of yourself - preferably one at the lab bench. If you are
interviewed on television, make sure that it is beside a lab bench and that
others in lab coats are close by doing something complicated.
- Ask really long and complicated questions at meetings and seminars. Make
sure that you stand while delivering your question. Use the suggestions
outlined in point 4 above on how to impress others with the presentation of
your question.
- If you write opinion pieces in journals, do not do so
anonymously.
Yep, it's pretty ludicrous. Of course, I wouldn't do any of this. Back to
being a smelly, neurotic, insecure sociopath confined to a windowless cave in
an ivory tower.
Related articles in JCS:
- Sticky Wicket - creating an impression (p. 451)
JCS 2002 115: 306.
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